Explaining your ADHD brain to your non ADHD partner.
Due to a TOWERING demand, this topic will not only be covered, but covered at every viable angle throughout many articles. But 1st, detailing what da fuck is going on up there to our nonADHD partners.
Lazy. Disrespectful. Unreliable. Scattered. Messy. Childish. Forgetful. Emotional.
Any of these sound familiar?
If you have ADHD and have ever been in a relationship with someone without, odds are high you’ve had one or more of the above descriptive words used to explain how your parter was feeling in regards to your actions, or lack there of.
And, if they didn’t say it out-loud, you bet your ass they sure thought it a time or ten.
Now, I’m not standing here (metaphorically speaking) saying that such words have zero merit or truth to them regarding ADHD tendencies.
All humans can struggle with bouts of laziness, disrespect, unreliability, etc.
It’s what makes us human.
What I am saying/reporting on is that there’s just more to it when it comes to ADHD.
Explanation versus excuse.
Let it be said first that there absolutely is accountability that needs to be had, from both partners, and our diagnosis is by no means a “Get out of ‘we fucked up’ Jail” card that frees us from any accountably, ever.
But, for sake of better understanding the ADHD mind, we are going to farther unravel each of these commonly used descriptors, right here, right now.
Lazy.
large majority of the time when we are appearing “lazy”, we are actually experiencing a paralysis episode where internally, it’s complete fucking chaos, yet externally, we are frozen where we stand (or lie) therefore coming off as lazy or my personal favorite, worthless
Disrespectful.
we interrupt because we are terrified we are going to forget what we want to say OR are wildly suddenly filled with dopamine regarding what’s about to come out of our mouths
we overpromise and underdeliver, but not out of spite (see explanation below)
we understand the point you’re aiming to make in your story quite quickly due to both the speed of our brains and the unmatched ability to connect the dots, so yes, we likely stopped paying attention and are mentally elsewhere
Unreliable.
do we have a tendency to overpromise and underdeliver? shit yes we do AND it’s not because we are assholes, it’s that we tend to be optimistic, but struggle hard with complete follow through
Scattered.
“what is executive function” for 100, Alex
in case you needed a refresher (I did) executive function is essentially the management system of the brain that houses the skills needed to get shit done, point A to point B and…
“Research shows that the parts of the brain involving executive functions tend to be smaller, less developed or less active in people with ADHD.”
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/23224-executive-dysfunction
Messy.
this one is pending on the ADHDer, honestly
one that typically also has OCD may be on the not-so-messy side, BUT the ones without, such as myself, we need things OUT and in sight or we forget about them AND we also tend to have a mind that runs rapid, so in pursuit of the many tasks we take on, we naturally will be requiring the use of many items and then shutdown from the clutter of said many items and now we’re back to the lazy thing
Childish.
sorry we’re fun as shit and you’re not
Forgetful.
this one requires a word for word explanation:
“Working memory. This is the part of your memory that allows you to turn information you learn into action, for example: remembering instructions long enough to finish a task. Studies show working memory is less effective in children and adults who have ADHD than in those who don’t.”
“Long-term memory. People with ADHD often don’t do well on tests of long-term memory. But scientists believe that has to do with how they process information. When you have ADHD, distractions may prevent you from taking in information, or your brain may store it in a disorganized way.”
- Stephanie Langmaid
I literally forget what I’m reading while reading it so…
Emotional.
we feel things deeply, and we have a strong sense of justice, what can we say.
also, we may tend to have a lower tolerance for bullshit and so as we age, our emotions tend to register more on the outside than lying dormant on the inside
FOR THE FUN OF IT.
I spontaneously stumbled on an unexpected date night with my husband last Thursday, and mid second beer, we decided to conduct an impromptu Q & A session regarding his (honest) thoughts around being in a relationship (marriage in our case) with an ADHDer.
Here’s how it went down/I highly encourage you to try this with your partner.
Q: Least favorite part of my ADHD?
A: “Your anxiety spirals that always happen late at night if you don’t go to bed on time.”
A: “You also want and need a clean environment, but cause the clutter and then shutdown because of the clutter and then need me to body double for you to even humor starting to clean it.”
Q: Favorite part of my ADHD?
A: “Your humor, wit, and spontaneity.” (duh, I’m fucking hilarious)
Q: What’s it like parenting with a partner that has ADHD?
A: “You’re able to see J (my ADHD kiddo) for who he is and you’re able to explain the ADHD very well to him as it unfolds in real time.”
“You’re also able to provide him with lots of dopamine.”
And. (oh boy)
“You have a tendency to over promise and the follow through becomes a problem being that he forgets nothing we promise him.”
Q: What is something you’d love for us to work on in our relationship?
A: “Being able to focus more when it comes to intimacy.”
(guilty/we have an article coming soon on this topic, just you wait!)
To wrap, I’m throwing in some of the DMs and comments regarding being an ADHDer with a (likely) non ADHD partner that I received last week.
(moving forward, I’ll absolutely be polling and including more input from you all that is either collected in this space via comments/the chat area OR on other socials, likely Instagram because I don’t have the energy to be cool/active everywhere haha)
Struggles on being the one with ADHD in the relationship…
(responses are from both female and male ADHDers)
“I tend to over commit and under deliver (not out of malice) and could not physically bring myself to do certain promised things. My then (non adhd partner) didn’t understand and interpreted the pattern as lazy / disrespectful.” (female)
“I have ADHD and OCD which tends to make me be very rigid as in a yes/no or black/white with no room for grey person. It’s a struggle to articulate this to my partner. I struggle to be casual about anything, ever, and I’m not very okay with the unexpected.” (male)
“I (the ADHDer) have difficulty focusing on one thing, following through, and then feeling good enough about myself to tackle the things.” (male)
“As the one with ADHD, I’d say being heard, understood, and feeling like my feelings are valid.” (male)
“My non ADHD partner thinks I cause all the messes and struggles with my clutter / unfinished projects that are lying all over.” (female)
“I have to leave things out so I don’t forget they exist and my non ADHD partner is there cleaning them up!” (female)
“I ask questions and don’t listen long enough for the answer before saying what.” (female)
Relationships + ADHD is a topic we will, without a doubt, continue to revisit, investigate, and report on in great detail.
Until next time, my friends…
